On the first day of Christmas I was beside myself with glee:

I’d bagged a date with a guy who was as handsome as can be.

He seemed intelligent and fun and adventurous and kind!

A combination of things near impossible to find.

 

We wandered round the Christmas markets, supped on hot mulled wine,

Chatted and laughed – a lot (which seemed a real good sign)

And sweetest of all he bought a little festive gift for me –

An ornate wooden decoration to hang on my Christmas tree.

 

On the second day of Christmas, a text message asking if I might

Join him for a “winter walk before this day turns into night”.

“How poetic!” I thought as my cheeks began to blush

Like two holly berries at the thought of this winter crush.

 

When we met to go ice-skating, he produced a parcel from his pocket;

Too small to be a scarf yet too big to be a locket.

It was wrapped with bows and ribbons, on the paper snowy doves

And nestled there inside were some fluffy knitted woollen gloves.

 

Now, on the third day of Christmas, a request flashed upon my screen:

He wanted to be friends on Facebook – which seemed a little keen.

Both nights had been quite nice and he’d seemed to be quite fun

But to commit to such a gesture felt like he was jumping the gun!

 

But I dismissed the thought as nonsense and accepted with a click

Then quick as a flash I thought my eyes were playing a little trick…

“A gift for you” he wrote, upon my wall like a confession

Three heart emojis in a row, all beating in succession.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas, it started out quite quiet…

Before my phone exploded into a notification riot!

He’d followed me on Twitter, liked my pics on Instagram,

Added Snapchat and my Pinterest like some unwanted boyfriend spam!

 

He’d asked to meet again but I’d got plans to see a friend

But it seemed that to his giving there was no sign of end!

“I was scrolling through your wall” he said “saw you check in on the app,

Sent these four bouquets of flowers straight to you, you handsome chap.”

 

On the fifth day of Christmas, whilst hopping on the tram

I thought I’d walked into a festive candid camera scam!

There he stood, a grin so wide with placards in his hand;

He was recreating Love Actually – he’d even hidden a five-piece band!

 

What seemed cutesy in the film, in reality was quite scary –

He had a look running through his eyes – all glossy, fixed and glary.

Then he turned each card in time so I could see what each one said

“You are my one true love, I’m sure! I can’t get you out my head!”

 

Then the brass band loudly struck up, each player popping out in turn

And the whole situation was starting to really fill me with concern.

Commuters on their way to work, let out cheers and starting clapping,

Whilst one lady yelped as it woke her from her early napping!

That made a man jump and send his morning Metro flying

Then a little baby girl screamed and started crying!

 

I mean I was speechless, I didn’t know what to say!

Tried to find a way to escape, maybe pretend I wasn’t actually gay?

“You are my one true love” he called “I’ll prove to you it’s true-

With more gifts every day – each especially for you!”

 

“But” I said in panic “I don’t really see the need…!”

As he dashed right off the tram at lightening reindeer speed.

What started out as cute was now a little overbearing.

It seemed being charmed with gifts was his way to show that he was caring.

 

So on the sixth day of Christmas, my inbox overflowed!

Six emails sat unread from him, each one of them brightly glowed

With SEASON’S GREETINGS at the top

And all containing vouchers for a coffee shop!

 

From Starbucks buy a latte and from Costa buy a brew

Then go to Nero, Pumpkin and a trendy place in the NQ.

Next stop: Krispy Kreme for a doughnut combination –

“All this caffeine” I thought, “will give me a Christmas palpitation!”

 

On the seventh day of Christmas, still determined at his quest,

Seven DVDs were sent each with labels claiming they were the best.

Minions 1 and Minions 2 and Insidious Chapter 3.

Jurassic World and Trainwreck, the complete box set of Glee!

 

And last to finish off the pile, much to my dismay

Was the super deluxe extended interactive edition of Fifty Shades of Grey!

Now the most ridiculous part of this entire festive con,

I didn’t even have a DVD player to watch any of them on!

 

On the eight day of Christmas, it started getting very weird –

He’d turned up at my work, dressed complete with Santa beard.

A red fluffy suit and a sack upon his back

With eight electrical goods all nestled in his pack!

 

A plethora of consoles to play all the latest games upon –

Plus a coffee machine for when all the vouchers were spent and done.

A Blue Ray player and an X Box, Playstations 3 and 4,

An 82-inch plasma and two Wii Fiits left no space upon the floor.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas, there was no sign that it would stop

As nine new phones came plopping right through my letter box –

A Sony and a HTC, A Samsung Galaxy in its latest make,

Even a Nokia 3310 where I could spend hours playing Snake!

 

Not forgetting all the iPhones; 4, 5 and 6 plus too.

A Blackberry in ‘Robot Grey’, A Motorola in ‘Smoky Blue’.

A note from him was last to land, one thing he had to stress:

“Charge each one and keep them close so I can always track you down by GPS!”

 

On the tenth day of Christmas, I was scared of what lay in store

When a delivery from Currys came knocking at my door.

A laptop with a touchscreen, another just with keys,

A third with a detachable screen designed for transportation ease.

 

And iPads in their multitudes – all light for on the go

But incase I wasn’t satisfied, a ginormous iPad Pro.

A Kindle and a Paperwhite, not forgetting Kindle Fire

And each in turn complete with an extendable charger wire!

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas, when the postman came to call

I’d nailed up the letterbox, barricaded the entrance hall!

When out in the street came the honking of a horn,

A din breaking through the mist on this early winter morn.

 

11 cars all lined up, each garnished with a bow!

An Audi, Ford and Fiat had all arrived in tow.

Then a Jeep, a Porsche, a Bentley, a new Picasso Citroen,

Mini, Nissan, Skoda and a BMW brightly shone!

 

He was sat atop the last, like Santa on his sleigh –

“Each of these” he called “show how much my love does weigh!”

“But, this is getting mad!” I said “I haven’t even passed my test!”

“Then” he chuckled “HO HO HO! I’ll buy you more lessons ‘til you’re the best!”

 

On the twelth day of Christmas, feeling somewhat flabbergasted,

Surrounded by his tonne of gifts; nearly two weeks this had lasted!

I was feeling scared to leave my flat, who knew what lay ahead…

When out he popped, shouted “Surprise!”, from underneath my bed!

 

I yelped, I screamed, I leapt with fright whilst running for the door

“I hope” he said “you like your gifts – as I come bearing just 12 more!”

Tickets for a worldwide trip – to take in all the sights

The Barrier Reef, The Taj Mahal, the Rockefeller Christmas lights!

 

China, Italy, Sweden would be next along the way

Then Chile, Poland and Kenya for the entire month of May!

Australia and Mexico and last stop the North Pole

“By plane and boat and limousine” he sung “that’s how we will roll!

All these gifts and so much more are what I give to you

To prove that you’re my one dear love, it’s undeniably true!”

 

“The gesture is very nice,” I said, “but I don’t understand the need

To show someone you care with a mountain of such greed!

I don’t need these things to understand a gesture of goodwill

And my brain hurts to even imagine your next credit card bill!”

 

Christmas is for giving, yes, but does that really mean

We need more than one computer and a tonne of fresh caffeine?

It’s easy to spend a wad of cash as a flash way to impress

But there are lots of other ways to do this that will cost you a lot less.

Receiving lots is lovely but there is another way –

The little things are the best to receive on Christmas Day.

 

He sighed and nodded – “It has cost an awful lot of dough…

And I had 14 animals all lined up for the day after tomorrow

But it must seem a bit too much – all the gifts I started to bring”

(Luckily he’d kept all the receipts so he could return almost everything.)

 

“How about we start again and go for a nice long walk?

We’ll take in all the sights we see – and even better we’ll actually talk…”

 

And with that recognition, a snowflake gently drifted down

As we began to think of other ways to spread festive cheer all round.

In each house and street and town, the frost created a shimmer

And being truly connected to each other is the way to make Christmas glimmer.