Fnarg’s Christmas by Kev Milsom
T’was Christmas time up in Lapland,
Old Santa stood wiping his brow,
“I hope Farmer Giles will be pleased” said he,
As he finished gift-wrapping a cow.
But working nearby in the corner,
A young helper named Fnarg Applepip,
Sighed loud and then shouted in anger,
“This bottle won’t go over this ship!”
In his rage he picked up the tangled wood,
And threw it hard, feeling very inferior.
The ship’s maiden voyage was a sail through the air
Before it docked, deep in Santa’s posterior.
The helpers all started to panic,
And poor Fnarg he went white as a mint,
While Santa uttered some very bad words
As his rear went a shocking, red tint.
His helpers, they rallied and started to tug
But although their pulling was frantic,
Protruding from Santa, could be clearly seen
The propeller and two funnels of the Titanic.
Mrs Santa was called to the scene of the crime
Where she screamed and fell down to the floor,
Screaming again as she fell on some marbles
And even louder as she rolled out the door.
“I’ll fix Santa’s wounds!” said a tall man called Norman
As he jumped down from a very high shelf,
“Thank heavens for that!” the helpers all cried,
“For Norman, the National Elf”
But now they all had a big problem,
For Santa’s journey of twelve thousand miles,
Could never take place with a ship in his bum,
Which was playing merry hell with his piles.
“It’s your fault, you steaming great nana!”
Santa’s helpers yelled at Fnarg in a rage,
“We’re now running 45 minutes behind,
He should be dashing over Spain at this stage!”
So young Fnarg was hustled and bustled
As they squeezed him into a red suit,
Then glued on some wool for a fluffy white beard
And finished him off with black boots.
“You’ve got to get going immediately”
Said an elderly gnome called Ray,
“Santa’s having extractive surgery,
So we need you to leave right away.”
Just then a door opened and in came a pixie
Herringbone Twang was his name,
His eyes rolling wildly with panic,
His arms full with toys and games.
“Things are very bad!” said he, with a frown,
“The kids’ presents aren’t going well at all.
All the bicycles have got square tyres,
The swingball’s all swing, and no ball,
Barbie’s totally drunk in the kitchen,
Singing a very loud rugby song,
While Action Man watches her, clapping,
Shoving Monopoly cash in her thong.
Ken’s in the cupboard with Sindy,
”They’re all over each other” he groaned,
The Pokemon are all playing Russian Roulette
And Winnie The Pooh just got stoned.
In the toy hospital it’s total chaos,
Beds all full of sick Beanie Babies,
They’re screaming and frothing at the mouth,
I’m starting to think they’ve got rabies.
The Playstation 4’s have all gone on strike,
The paint in each paint box is grey.
Noddy’s doing a ram-raid in Toytown,
All in all, it’s a hell of a day!”
Now in everyone’s life there comes a time,
When we have to stand up and be brave.
So they found Fnarg hiding in a flowerpot
And frogmarched him to the Santa Cave.
There, down in the grotto, his eyes fell upon
A pure vision of Christmas delight,
For the walls were all shiny with magic,
And the floors speckled with sweet rainbow light.
There, in the middle, stood a sight to behold,
A huge sleigh made of gold steel and wood,
Ready to deliver presents to all girls and boys
Who’ve been good all year round, as they should.
And there, the magnificent reindeer were:
Dasher, Vixen, Comet and Dancer,
Blitzen, Donner, Bernard then Cupid,
And eating a cream bun, brave Prancer.
At the head stood Rudolph the Red Nose,
So handsome and quick to the last,
Behind him was Bernard the Brown Nose
Just as speedy, but can’t stop so fast.
“Now listen!” said Herringbone Twang to Fnarg,
“We don’t have time for no twaddle,
It’s late and we really up a certain creek,
And we don’t even have any paddle.
So you go out there and do your best,
I know there’s no presents to give out
But there’s enough fairy magic for one big wish,
This is your fault, you stupid great lout!
For with Santa disabled, the toys have rebelled
And all of their magic’s gone bad,
So you got this small pile of fairy dust
I want the best Xmas we’ve ever had.
I want to see billions of happy smiles
And people worldwide without a care,
If you don’t then I’ll rip both your arms off,
And feed them to Paddington Bear!”
So Fnarg was thrown in the back of the sleigh
And Rudolph’s red nose twinkled bright,
As the reindeers and sleigh swooped skyward
Up into the starry, clear night.
Young Fnarg stared deep at the Fairy dust
And wondered quite what he could do,
An hour ago he’d been making a gift,
And now he was deep in the poo.
With just enough magic for one big wish,
He thought hard about what he should say,
Perhaps he could try to bring world peace,
Or make hunger and famine go away,
Fnarg looked out and saw twinkling lights
As far as his eyes could see,
And said, “Just make Xmas a perfect time,
Make it joyful, as it really should be.
Take away all the stress throughout the world,
And all things that make Xmas unpleasant,
Put an end to all the commercial rubbish
And ban the giving of presents.”
From the sleigh there came a flash and a bang,
Then suddenly, nothing but quiet.
“That was perfect” said Rudolph, turning his head,
“I hope so” said Fnarg, “…had to try it”
The sleigh turned east and flew through the air
As it returned to the chilly North Pole,
“No more presents?” yelled the Elves, when he told them,
“Oh great, we’ll all be on the dole.”
On Xmas morning over six billion people
Awoke with huge smiles on their face,
Then closed their eyes slowly
And said a prayer for the whole human race.
Not a thought was aimed to wrapped presents
Or the size of the turkey they had,
Instead they all thought of their loved ones,
And sent prayers to the sick and the sad.
No-one homeless sat on the roadside,
Those without were invited inside,
The world was covered in laughter
Everyone’s heart shone with pride.
People forgot about religious division,
And the colour of one’s skin at birth,
For the first time people truly listened
To their brothers and sisters on Earth.
They danced and listened intently,
While laughing for all of the day,
Which meant that hatred, fear and ignorance
Began melting and fading away.
In the evening as darkness descended,
A pinpoint in the sky grew bright,
And all who watched the hovering star
Agreed that all was perfectly right.
“How long will it last?” said young Fnarg Applepip,
To Santa, who stood at this side,
Both watching the light in the sky grow in strength,
With eyes and mouths open wide.
“A day, a month…who can tell?”
Said Santa, “At last they’re not living in fear,
In theory it should be forever…
If not we’ll try again next year.
You’ve given them hope, and shown them peace,
In short, now they have a new start.
It’s their lesson to focus on being closer,
Instead of ways to keep them apart.
Let them feel the sensation of true love
And then let them find their true way.”
So ended an important day for mankind,
The most perfect of all Christmas Days.
Picture: telegraph.co.uk